Faith

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Friends,
We had a very long and overwhelming appointment today at the Traumatic Brain Injury Clinic at Children’s Hospital. Carter has recovered very well physically, and he looks great on the outside. That is what is so hard-the outside does not match the inside-yet. He seems fine to the eye, but there is so much more going on that most don’t see.
Carter has very poor insight into his deficits. He thinks he is ok. That is really a difficult challenge in many ways. He is still very restricted in his activities and this is causing agitation. It is a challenge to take almost all things away from an active teen. We learned some more information today, but still have some blank spaces because he is still too early out to thoroughly assess.
Carter is still having some problems with his vestibular system which is affecting his balance, but mostly his eyes. He is very delayed in tracking and focusing. His eyes are still very “lazy” and tired. He cannot maintain focus on an object for long, and he cannot track to the periphery very well.
He is still also exhibiting some moderate memory deficits, but we will not be able to have further clarification of that and other cognitive functions for a couple more weeks when he has recovered further and can tolerate more testing.
Dr. Davis at the TBI clinic is wonderful and prescribed a medication to help with attention, concentration, anxiety and agitation that are stemming from the brain injury. Also, Carter will start speech therapy in two to three weeks for cognitive rehabilitation, as well as continue with PT for his shoulder and vestibular deficits.
We now have a case worker which is a HUGE praise! She will be attending a meeting at the school with me tomorrow as Carter’s advocate. Hopefully we can all agree upon a plan for what his limited school days will look like for now. Carter has A LOT of restrictions as far as school…delayed start, no homework, limited reading, no computers or viewing projected images, no PE, no presence in the cafeteria, gym or crowded hallways, and 2 rest breaks despite going half days. This seems impossible. The doctor said it will be a challenge because he will have to for now be a “passive learner.” I am not sure how this is going to look, or even work, but I don’t feel the need to try and figure it out. I am not Carter’s Savior, and remembering that is a very good and healthy thing for me right now, and always. Although it all looks complicated, and frankly overwhelming, Dr. Davis thought it would be best to give it a try, because being around friends and peers is very important for emotional health when recovering from a TBI.  
It will just be one day at a time right now, reminding myself I don’t have to figure anything but the next right step out. The doctor told us as parents Carter will improve more, but due to some pre-existing deficits which have now been exacerbated by the head injury that “this will be a long term parent-child relationship.” Not that all parent child relationships aren’t long term, but we knew what he was implying. The thing I know, though, he may very well be right, and that will be perfectly fine, but no one knows the plans of The Lord, and I will never impose premature restrictions on Carter that are based on medical science or opinion, rather than faith in a God who can do ALL things that science nor man can explain!
I have been reminded of two very important things the last two weeks. First, it is so important to have key scriptures stored in my mind and on my heart, so that I can draw upon them for comfort, security, strength and peace when rough waters threaten to engulf me. Having that “mana for my soul” has pulled me through, and continues to support me in dark moments.
Secondly, the importance of having a very grounded faith that takes command of my thoughts, mind, beliefs and actions in times when fear and anxiety are waiting with open arms. I feel overwhelmed today. I feel a little scared and anxious. Fear and anxiety are easier choices sometimes because they require nothing of me but to fall into their embrace, and marinate in self pity, and possibly a bucket of mint chip ice cream-:)). Faith in God’s perfect plan and sovereignty is a much harder choice because it is a fight. It requires me moment by moment to choose faith over fear, abidance over anxiousness, peace over planning and rest over reaction. It is a harder choice, but it is the best choice, and the only one that provides peace from heavy burdens! Anyone can choose fear. Anyone can choose faith. They are both a choice. A lot of things can be taken from us, but never our ability to choose between those two things. God grant me the grace and strength to always choose faith! It is where I desire to abide, and it is the only choice that allows me to be insulated by peace and rest.
Thank you friends for all the love you are providing us in so many ways. I am more grateful than I have adequate words for!
 D’Anna