Tag: belief

Grief, A Ruthless Friend

- dannalundstrom
body of water during golden hour

It is incredible how the mind defaults into a self-defense posture one minute, only to fail me the next. The reality of grief is always there, lurking, but the full realization, while it may have reached my head, has not settled in the depths of my heart.

It has been said that is the longest distance, head to heart, and I know it to be right, on this dirt road that many are asked to walk in this life. No mileage signs signal an end, only hazard ahead around each bend.

Grief is a ruthless friend, but one that every loss must respect. He allows me to forget momentarily, then quickly be disheartened by the raw reality that is waiting on the other side of remembrance.

Countless times I reach for my phone to call her. There are so many things I want her to know. I want her to share my highs and lows and all the spaces in between; after all, that is the way a mama’s love goes. They say time heals all wounds, but I do not believe that is true. Some aches seem I will never be able to bid adieu. And if I am honest, never would I want to.

My mind is deceiving me, as it is prone to do. Feelings charade as facts, leaving me vacillating between pain and perseverance. The later must win in the end, but right now the two of them are stumbling hand in hand. To laugh, to live to carry on is to betray the loss, my disloyal thoughts deceptively whisper. On a head level, I know that is fraudulent and untrue. Maybe if I remind myself enough times, my heart will catch up too. For now, I am grappling for the grace to journey straight through the thick and heavy dew.

People are so kind and well-intended; they say do this, or that, believe this or that, and these things you must do. The problem is there is no universal recipe for the profound loss that accompanies the days I must filter through.

And my faith, it feels weak, that is undoubtedly true, but it is not up to me, for it was a gift secured by a Savior in which I had nothing to do. So I struggle, limping and tracked by the tears, as I walk the best I can, crying out and fighting to trust the only Man who will see me through. I thank Him, then question Him. I wrestle with Him and rest in Him, as all wounded warriors do. I am a paradox of emotions, The Psalms living and breathing as they once were for the writers overcome by grief so blue.

Trauma, the place I am traveling through, someday to be ousted by thankfulness-a destination I sometimes see but am not yet fully submitted to; for it is a harbor I am fighting my way towards when the anointed time is due.

The Freedom of Self-Forgiveness

- dannalundstrom

Dear friend,

Do you need to forgive yourself for a mistake but you cannot seem to find the freedom to do so despite your aching desire? If God has forgiven you and me, and He should be the only person that matters, why is it so hard for us to do?
I think sometimes it is easier for me to feel shame or flagrant self-pity, which are both convincing imposters of comfort. Other times I am prone to unconsciously acquiesce to the faulty theology that God does not freely forgive me when I repent and ask for forgiveness.

My unbelief leads me to trust it comes when I earn it when I have worked hard enough when I have paid what I deem to be a reasonable penalty when I have beat myself up enough and more self-imposed modes of retribution, none of which ever are enough. Notice the word; I was used five times in the preceding sentence. Therein lies my problem. I maximize my faulty resourcefulness and minimize my Savior’s free reward. God’s love and forgiveness never change, my remembrance to rest in that truth does.

I love today’s wisdom from Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest: “The message of the prophets is that although they have forsaken God, it has not altered God. The Apostle Paul emphasizes the same truth that God remains God even when we are unfaithful (see 2 Timothy 2:13). Never interpret God as changing with our changes. He never does; there is no variableness in Him.”

Isaiah 30:15 is critical for me to turn towards and commit to daily, repeating it to myself, sometimes out loud, to “train my brain” to default there instead of destructing elsewhere. It says: For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said: “In repentance and rest you will be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength.”
One parallel verse is Isaiah 45:22 ~ Turn to Me and be saved, all the ends of the earth; for I am God, and there is no other. Those two verses, along with multitudes of others are like the cover of a shady tree on a sweltering day. So often the help I need is readily available to me, I am just slow to remember it as my first line of defense instead of my last lane of desperation.  

God’s light is always on.

You are loved.

Remember Who is Driving The Car

- dannalundstrom


When Carter turned two-years-old, I enrolled him in a mother’s day out program at our church two days a week. What I thought would be a short respite for me with a newborn baby quickly became a place of pain. Each Tuesday, Thursday when I loaded him in his car seat, his little face would peak with concern. The very second he saw we were turning down the road to MDO he would begin to cry and say, “no, mommy, no mommy.” “I stay with you, mommy.” It would break my heart! The school assured me shortly after I left that he was happy and playing with the other kids, but my heart would remain so heavy and haunted by his tears and pleas. Ultimately, though, I had to keep reminding myself that it was for his good, despite my grief. He needed the playtime, the socialization, the learning and so much more that the precious program had to offer that he could not get anywhere else.

I was thinking this morning as I was again shedding tears in this time of change and transition, did I mention I do not like an interruption of the predictable, but that experience was such a picture of God, our good, good, Father. Sometimes he allows us to be “driven” down dirt roads that have a lot of potholes and bumps. The journeys can be frightening, and often it feels like our cries for relief go unheard. But it is essential we remember Who is driving the car and that He never leads us anywhere that is not ultimately for our benefit. I know some circumstances look as though they could never prosper us, only persecute us. We are not God, though. Thank goodness for that! His vision is eternal and from a much broader, all-encompassing perspective. We can be assured, however, that He never leaves us alone with our tears. He hears our weeping and holds every sorrow. (Psalm 56:8)

I do not know what road you are maneuvering today, friend. But this I know for sure, if you remain the passenger, and let Abba Father steer the wheel, it may hurt, and it may sting but hang on to the truth that He is ultimately guiding you to a destination that will be for your gain and His glory. It may take a while to realize the results of the pilgrimage you or a loved one are traveling; sometimes it is not in this life. But faith is the conviction of what we do not see, not certainty in what we do. (Hebrews 11:1) Persevering faith is everlasting; present fact is equivocal. Believe in where you are and where you are going, not because you understand it, but because of The One Who does.

The Little Life of Fear

- dannalundstrom

Fear causes me to live a small, sheltered life.  She tells me lies like, you are in control by suffocating your existence into the fangs of an illusion.  I don’t desire to look back on a little life that reads, she was shackled and scared.  Fear will guarantee that outcome.  Faith assures me I can do adventurous, big things because my first breath and my last are already determined by a Father who loves me and desires me to live free not frightened.  I live proportional to my level of belief.  When I forget my destination I am incarcerated.  Not all prisoners live behind visible bars.  It is only when I remember where home is that I live the life that was ransomed for me. Today was about leaning into fear, and saying, not today pesky, friend!

 

Not What We See, Whom We Know

- dannalundstrom

Sometimes saying it is well with my soul guts us to our core, even still, we can say they will be done. It is not well because our circumstances are favorable, but because our Savior is faithful, and we have experienced His character enough in the past that we trust Him with the present. Lord Jesus, present us a faith that is constant, not circumstantial. Sometimes we are The Israelites, needing to see to believe. As we walk through the hills and valleys, help us remember you are the same yesterday, today and forever, (Hebrews 13:8), and when that truth reigns in our hearts, we can persevere. Whatever you are confronting today, friend, I pray you keep believing not in what you see but in Whom you know. You are loved.

The Commission is at Hand

- dannalundstrom 2 Comments

Dearest friend,
We are children loved by a good Father without comparison. He has anointed us with a unique mission, in unprecedented times. The Father chose us for this moment in time that can be difficult to reconcile because it is a marriage of both beautiful and brutal. Because of this, it is necessary for us to love fearlessly, believe scandalously and hope without compromise. What mission has He entrusted to you today? May we all be good attendants of His holy assignments. Scandalous belief says that we have all we need to succeed today so do not look ahead for the commission is at hand.

You Already Are Accepted

- dannalundstrom

My selfish desire is for everyone to be pleased with me, because of this, the relationships in my life that I am insecure about cause me to be anxious.  I never know if I am enough or am doing enough to be loved and accepted by the other person.  I begin to believe the lie that I have to perform in a way that pleases that person to gain their acceptance.  That is bad news and not a healthy or peaceful way to live.

A relationship we have to earn will always end in our hearts getting burned.  

Here is the good news of the gospel of Jesus; we do not have to do good works to be loved and accepted; we do good works because we already are loved and accepted.  Isn’t that a breath of fresh air?!  A relationship we have to earn is one that will always end in our hearts getting burned.

Won’t You Come Home

- dannalundstrom

 

When my heart is weighed down with worry, anchored by anxiety, when self-pity, condemnation, guilt, and shame are my companions, at the very core of all of them is one problem.  Unbelief.  It is incredibly important to my peace that I examine my theology daily, and recognize areas where I am not living out of the promises of God.  Life without internal scrutiny is life without inner serenity.  The consequence of unbelief is that I begin to live out of the peril of my circumstances rather than the promises of my Creator.  We all fall victim to unbelief, and often unconsciously, but as with anything else recognition is the first step to redemption.  Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28, Ephesians 3:20 and Philippians 1:6 are just a few of the verses I regularly have to ask myself, am I living as though I believe these promises?  If my answer is no, and many times it is, I have to repent and ask God to help my unbelief.  It is then that I am equipped to rest not just in His existence, but also His essence.  Where are you not believing today, friend?  Won’t you come home to the rich resources for which you were ransomed?  It isn’t that life will become painless, but it will become more about the hope and character of Who is inside you and less about the hardship and calamity that is around you.

To Believe Or Not Believe, That is the Question

- dannalundstrom

I made a commitment to myself at the end of the primaries not to comment on politics on social media because I did not think it was wise or helpful and I am not well versed enough to be credible.  do feel led to say this, though.  I went to bed last night, and I am pretty sure my blood was boiling.  I was anxious; my soul was very unsettled, and I was angry.  There are things in both candidates that bring out anger in me that I shutter to know is there when stoked.  They both succeeded in different ways at fanning those flames last night.

The hypocrisy and arrogance, from both parties, last night, along with the barrage of social media posts lamenting our choices, sent me to bed a mess of emotions and feeling despair. I was praying and talking to Jesus in an attempt to calm myself.  There in the dark last night, The Lord reminded me of something very critical that I think we all need to remember, myself included!  All my anger, anxiety, lamenting and despair is just a form of UNBELIEF in who God is and the character that He possesses.  

Tim Keller says many of us believe in God, but do not believe God.

Last night I had to ask myself that question.  I believe in Him, but am I going to trust Him? If I am going to choose His word, which I am, then my terms can not be conditional.  Even when things look dreadful, and circumstances appear unredeemable, God is good, faithful, sovereign and working good in the midst of our gaffes.  He has plans for the good and prosperity of his children, and He can do immeasurably more with a mess than any of us can begin to imagine.

Today friends, I pray that if you believe in God, you will choose along with me to fight to believe God.  There is a very critical difference in the two.  When we intentionally make a choice not just to believe in him but believe Him, our lives will reflect that is our posts and our peace.  I love you all!

Yesterday I Put Myself Down

- dannalundstrom 1 Comment

1cb4c5290e3e370b1cb822cd5ec03122Yesterday I put myself down.

I put myself down to a friend; a new friend that I had not even known five minutes.  She was kind enough to speak truth back to me.  You see the thing about light is; I am really good at speaking it into other people’s lives but not always my own!

I put myself down yesterday, not even an hour after I wrote these words; ‘To believe we are anything less than His beloved is to deny the work Jesus finished on the cross. I do not want to do that, but I do every day when I feel or say I am not enough.’

Yesterday with my new friend my flawed theology confronted me.  I walked to my car, and my head was hanging.  The mind missiles started to fly to the roar of something like this; “What kind of person tells everyone else to believe they are enough but cannot believe it about herself?”  “You should be ashamed!”  And I was, ashamed.

By the time I got to my car, I knew I had to go to The Lord and repent.  I didn’t need just to repent for what I said, but also for my unbelief.  I am very grateful I put myself down yesterday because The Holy Spirit used the circumstance to convict my heart, and it was a successful conviction.

Many times I have to go through an experience to have a conversion.

It is in the midst of deep exposure that I evolve.  Praise God He does not leave me where I am.  His instruction usually stings, but purpose is always a product of pain if I have the proper perspective.

So, today, as I have been meeting the demands set before me, I have been intentionally practicing my status as a beloved daughter of The King.  I repented there in my car yesterday for my unbelief, now the battle is in the fight to believe and rest in my identity as His.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving a ragamuffin like me!  Where are you not believing you are enough, friends?  Will you ask The Lord to show you if it is not already clear?  Lets fight to believe together!  Proverbs 27:17~ As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.