In late November my husband told me he wanted to give our daughter a father/daughter week this summer at JH Ranch for Christmas. That idea immediately sounded all the alarm buttons inside me, fear, anxiety, worry…
I love JH Ranch, their philosophy, the people and Who and what they represent. Their programs are top notch and life changing, but I am still recovering from almost loosing our son last July in an accident while he was at camp there. How could I agree to this? How could I even entertain the idea? Was he crazy? All these questions were brewing a chaotic storm in my heart and mind.
As quickly as that storm was surging, something else was surfacing. Not something but Someone. God’s truth began gently, quietly and consistently streaming in my head. God does not call us to a life of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7~For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. I was not wanting to hear that in my moment of melting. I wanted to be fearful-very fearful! In this circumstance, fear seemed like a much safer choice. However, I know this about God; he does not leave his children stuck in known places of “safety” He leads us to unknown positions of surrender.
It took me some time to be at peace with the decision to give our daughter that Christmas gift. I did not want to, but I knew I was being called to. Obedience to God’s will is seldom easy. It often grieves us but always grows us. It challenges us, and it chisels us into His image. 2 Timothy 3:16~All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.
When we step into the shadow of death with a loved one, feel its sting and breathe its stale, suffocating air, we are changed. When you almost lose something, you love so much, resisting the urge to fall into the alluring trap of putting ourselves in charge of the safety and protection of those we hold so dear is challenging!
Based on God’s word, though, all indicators tell me He did not spare my son’s life for me to become my children’s savior. He did not spare his life for me to grab on tighter and smother them in a bubble of supposed safety. God did not spare my son’s life for me to turn my children into idols shaped in my image. He spared my son’s life for His purpose, not my power.
Shortly after Christmas, friends and family began asking our children about their gifts. Our daughter was asked, more than once, “what was your favorite gift?” Each time she answered, “camp with my dad at JH Ranch next summer. As people asked the question, I began to experience my body stiffening and my eyes squinting as if something was about to hit me. It was! I was “hit” with looks that if they could talk might say, “are you crazy!” I received comments that resulted in shame. I felt like an irresponsible mother for a short time, and it taxed the depth of peace that encompassed my decision. I had to remember that walking in obedience is a process of frequent renewal to a life guided by Spirit, not self.
Initially, I felt the need to explain the gift to all the puzzled people. My explaining something that is right between God and me, however, is only an attempt to tidy myself up to satisfy my need to meet the approval of people. Explaining can become a form of self-righteousness. I am grateful for the words in the Gospel of Matthew that release me from my need to explain. Matthew 5:37 says, Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. I am only accountable to One. Sometimes what is right between God and me makes no sense to outside parties, but their understanding is not my responsibility. I love the freedom in that!
After all the gift giving, a gift to my daughter that almost unwrapped me proved to be a gift for me, too. It rewrapped me in the freedom; rest and comfort of a sovereign God who I am so grateful pursues me even through Christmas gifts. Never has giving a Christmas gift been so laden with pain and so loaded with purpose. Growth happens in grievous places. That is good news, friends!