Day 11: A Long Day of Praising and Grieving

 

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Friends,

Day 11:

We just got home from a day of doctor appointments that started at 8:30 AM. I am not going to tell you I’m not tired. I’m not going to tell you I’m not a little weary or sad. I am all those things. I don’t have it all together, but I know I don’t have to. I have a Savior who has completed me in all the spaces I am weak, and they are many…I am weak but He is strong… I don’t need to know anything beyond the next right thing to do in this moment because after today, everything feels a little overwhelming to stare at too long. Looking anywhere beyond the present only offers me an unsettled mind and unbelieving heart.

When things are hard, when our expectations are threatened or overturned, it is easy to turn our life over to the wrong trinity-fear, anxiety and worry. I have been under that authority before, but I will not go there again. Being intentional about facing challenges, but not focusing on them will be essential for all of us during Carter’s recovery.

I am, however, mourning a few things today, but I am standing under God’s grace, and mourning is ok for a time. Psalm 30:5~ weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. It is hard as a mom to sit and watch your child’s face when he is hearing some of the things he heard today. It is hard to watch him absorb the reality of likely loosing activities he loves, and that bring him joy. I know there are many parents who are, or have experienced this feeling, and much worse. My heart goes out to you!

Because of Carter’s head injury, he does not understand a lot of this process, and his insight into his deficits is limited. At my age, I can reason and realize that life is pinned on so much more than starting school as a “normal” kid with a normal schedule. I can understand that when God redirects my plans or takes away something that brings me great joy, he has a better path in mind. Carter cannot at this point, and as I watched his face today, my heart broke. There is so much to be grateful for, but there is also a lot that he will have to adapt to.

Physically he is doing great, but there are implications from the head trauma he sustained internally that are going to present challenges ahead, and possibly limit activities that bring him great pleasure. I need to mourn this for a short time, and help him to as well, but then I hope to help him redirect his hope and focus to not what is lost, but what is to be gained.

I have heard it said that we should not only ask what would Jesus do, but equally as important, WHAT IS JESUS DOING? This question affords me such hopeful anticipation because I know He is good and He is steadfast. Lamentations 3:22-23 ~Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

In God’s economy, doors do not close accidentally. I do not believe any of this came from God, but it did come through him. That gives me great hope that he has plans our insufficient minds cannot perceive for Carter. There is such relief and hope in that perspective. ~For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.!Isaiah 43:19

There are so many positives that came out of today. Carter continues to improve. His headaches are better. His balance is good, and his vision has improved significantly. He can walk, talk, smile, laugh, see and hear normally-praise The Lord. We met with Dr Joe Ackerson today who provided balm for this messy mom’s soul. He did some cognitive testing with Carter today, but will need to do much more in two weeks. Today he is writing a plan for school that he will have to us by the days end. This will detail what his school days will look like for now. They will be limited and Carter will have a lot of modifications and restrictions. Dr. Ackerson was wonderful with Carter, and he was wonderful with us as parents. He assured us confidently that he is here to walk this road with us and be Carter’s advocate.

Carter will be assigned a case worker from Children’s who will also help us work with the school to ensure he is getting everything he needs. Trevor and I stopped at the high school between appointments today, and we have a meeting tomorrow with a team who will be working with us on all school related logistics. We were very grateful that a meeting was arranged by the school so quickly. Since school starts Monday, having a plan initiated is a great relief for us and Carter.

When things look dark, there is always light to be found. I am going to be having Carter around a lot more for now. In looking at the positive of that, I am so thankful! I enjoy his company. He is funny and we laugh a lot. I feel so blessed that he will be keeping me company for awhile.

Today we also saw the neurosurgeon, and he has set Carter up in the traumatic brain injury clinic at Children’s Hospital. Dr Davis will manage his care there, and he and Dr. Ackerson will collaborate together. He too, will be joining with us as we navigate this current state of “normal.” The presence of these two advocates feels like such an immense weight lifted off my heart. Carter will continue PT twice a week for his shoulder as well. He is not using that arm very well, and still has a good bit of pain. It will eventually recover fully, but it is going to take some time.

There is no way to determine the recovery of the loss of cognitive function, but we stand firmly confident that Carter will be restored to his pre-accident status. Regardless, our hope does not hinge on the degree of his recovery, but on the sovereignty of The Author of his life. God is in the midst of writing this story, and has been since the moment Carter sat on that bike. We stand fully confident in His plans, and less in His provisions, because we have experienced and know His character. Thank you all from the deepest places of my heart for the continued outpouring of prayer, love and support.

D’Anna