I do not just want to read my Bible. I want to reap my Bible. I do not just want to go to church. I want to be the church. I do not just want to explore my Bible. I want to encounter God in my Bible. I do not want to just understand truth. I want to stand under truth. I am not adequate because I read my Bible, encounter God or stand under truth. I am free to be inadequate because I know the gospel. Thank you Jesus for completing me.
Yesterday was a difficult day for me as a mom. Some days our hardest job is remembering that God does not get it wrong-ever! In no circumstance is this a harder fight than circumstances involving our children. My son suffered a traumatic brain injury last July. His cognitive recovery has been a struggle. School is a struggle. Life is a struggle.
His neuropsychologist and case manager spoke with me about considering placing him on a life skills tract as opposed to a diploma/college track at school. He is in the ninth grade. The doctor said his cognitive scores place him within the category of a life skills track. These were very tough words to digest. I tried to put my best armor on and let the words bounce off of me, but the tears were tougher, and they won out.
The emotions are still raw from that tragic day. I think they always will be. A sight, a sound, a smell, a memory; they can all trigger a rush of emotion that no amount of effort can contain. My son is forever changed. I am forever changed. Our family is forever changed. This is not all ominous news. Change chiseled from crisis forges character, perseverance, deeper faith and so much more. The fruits born out of frustration are often some of the sweetest.
My son is not a victim, and I refuse to be either. Once we take on that role we put limitations on ourselves. We also maximize our sufficiency and minimize the soverignty of our Savior. I am sad that the circumstances are as they are. I hurt, I ache and at times I worry about the future. In all my fleshly responses, a voice keeps echoing in my head, BUT GOD. That is my life preserver friends! Test scores are indicators, but they are not dictators. Doctor’s opinions are assessments, but they are not absolutes. I much prefer the infallible provisions of My Provider to the fallible predictions of man.
I don’t know at this time what our decision about our sons’ school track will be. I am not ready to make that decision, nor am I ready to confine him to the limitations of a label. Labels we put on things are typically stickers. Over time, they are prone to fall off. I choose not to rely on labels, I prefer to rest in the hope of providential plans.
Yesterday I heard this quote from my friend, Julie Sparkman, of Restore Ministries. During the third session of her bible study series, Unhitching From the Crazy Train, she said, “Getting under the yoke with Jesus does not give you a different life; it gives you a different way of doing life.” Those words spoke so poignantly to my heart.
No matter what obstacles you or I are confronting today friends, our hope does not rest in the what of our struggle. It resides in the Who of our surrender. That is great news! This truth is a rest for our weary souls. Will you fight to reside here with me? Jesus holds our little lambs.
I open my eyes and it’s 8:00 AM. I squint a little harder, surely I must not see right? I walk out onto the balcony, life giving reading material and breakfast in hand. As I sit trying to read, nature keeps stealing my attention. There is a gentle, but commanding breeze that is stirring up a chorus among the trees. Their leaves swish and sway in a harmony that beacons a deep exhale.There is a lizard with a bright blue tail gingerly exploring the deck. The water is calm and flowing like silk. The air is cool and feels fresh and crisp as it dances around me. There are birds chirping, signaling the start of a new day. They chirp and pause, chirp and pause as if they are in deep, connected conversation.
These are the sights and sounds of rest. These are the sights and sounds of peace, telling me it’s time to unplug and step off of the treadmill of the daily grind, and rest. It seems like such an easy invitation, so why is it so hard? It feels so natural yet so incongruent. It’s inviting and it’s awkward at the same time. It’s seemingly effortless but it takes focused intention.
Why? Why is that four letter, little word, rest, so hard? For me, I don’t live in that place near as much as I would like to, yet it is what we were created for. Rest in our minds; rest in our hearts and rest in our realities. Some realities are hard to rest in, and in those spaces I find myself fighting, fighting to make life work. Fighting to see the expectations I have created come to be, rather than be shattered before my eyes. Fighting to understand the realities of those that don’t seem fair and surely don’t make sense. It’s here I have to remind myself that expectations are the thieves of souls, as much as trying to understand HE who I am only called to know and trust, not comprehend.
So as the trees are singing a song of rest, and the harmony and chorus of nature is beckoning me, I hear a faint summons in my soul, asking me to lay it down. Lay it all down, and rest. As I listen to that calming voice, I am reminded of one of my favorite verses that always provokes a deep breath and a sense of calm within me: For now we see only a reflection in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.~1 Corinthians 13:12. I am fully known, and I am fully loved-that is rest!
Sometimes God’s acknowledgements are just too sweet not to share for His glory. I woke up feeling exhausted and weary this morning. Just after praying I blindly opened my Bible after asking that my eyes land in a place of mana for the moment. Portions of my prayer were this: …refresh me through you word, Father. Get my heart and mind vertical with you before I attempt to engage a horizontal world. Show me your glory today. Let me be still before you. Help me be like a CHILD before you today; dependent, unassuming and and trusting. Thank you for loving me as a needy, inadequate child. Show up for me today and let me know you are in this moment. This picture was His little God-incidence for me today! How sweet He is!
Jesus had piercing, beautiful eyes. When he looked at someone his eyes penetrated through their broken exteriors and straight to their wounded hearts. He fulfilled one of the most prominent desires of the human heart; to be fully seen and deeply known.
Last week I watched the new, modern version of the movie, Annie with my daughter. I sobbed through most of the movie. My daughter kept looking up at me with wondering eyes.
I cried because I saw a little girl who longed to be seen, known, wanted and loved. She desired a safe place to belong. Isn’t that what we all want? In the busyness of life, it is easy to get so wrapped up in schedules and responsibilities that we do not see people well. Orphans do not just live in homes for the homeless; they are all around us.
Ready to be Seen:
Here I stand ready to be me.
Here I stand ready to see the.
Here I stand ready for you to see me.
I dream of who I want to be.
I dream of great things for you to come to be.
I long for you to dream about me.
I love to smile.
I love you to smile at me.
I smile inside when past the charade you seek to see.
My heart is soft; it bruises easily.
I want to know your heart and how it came to be.
I long that my heart, you would fully see.
I want to love and live in harmony.
I want love for you plenty.
I want you to love me for what is inside of me.
I desire to be known.
I desire to know you that is true.
I desire for you to want to know me fully, too.
I yearn to give all of me.
I yearn to give vulnerably.
I yearn for you to give your heart a chance to be known completely.
I want to encourage with all that is in me.
I want to encourage you with the good in the.
I want to be encouraged by what God is doing within me.
I live for Jesus.
I live for Him your prize to be.
I live for you to see Jesus in me.
I bare a loving heart carved with sovereign hands.
I bare a desire to follow His commands.
I bare a dream for you to handle my heart gently, with a safe place to land.
Here I stand, how my soul yearns to be seen.
Here I stand waiting to be acknowledged by the.
Here I stand wondering, will you ever see the real me?
Father, give us perceptive eyes to see not just the outsides, but the deeply neglected insides of your people. Train our eyes to be like Jesus, seeing past all the masks, smiles, accessories and facades. Enable us to see straight to the heart, and minister to wounded souls who long to be found. Thank you, Jesus for loving us. We praise you for seeing past our ragamuffin exteriors, and deep into our needy interiors. Let us desire the sight of no other above you. Bless us with community who pursue us with a deep vision, concern, and care. There are so many invisible people, Jesus. May we not overlook one of them. Here we stand ready to be seen. Let us feel your satisfied sight upon us most loving and gentle Savior. Amen.
Hey you, hey me, the thirsty, the desperate, the depleted, the exhausted…those barriers, wounds and struggles in our lives are not present by accident. They are there by assignment. Things that challenge us to our core either create or crush us. They are available for our gain and God’s glory. The difference in destroying us or defining us is our resolve to find the meaning and mission in our messes.
Trials do not always come from God‘s hands, but they come through them. We can rest in that. He has touched every tragedy and challenge before we endured it.
Our tears are sifted by God before they are shed by us. He has held them, and He will heal them in His time and according to His purpose.
The new year is sometimes more of the old, the hard and the worn out. You are not alone. Let your perspective be colored by God’s purpose, not your pain. He is working on our behalf. Believe it, look for it, expect it and never lose hope! We can give rest to our resolving, riddled souls, because one thing is for sure, relief will come through God’s strength, not our striving. It will be in His timing not our tweaking. Father, give us all the grace to REST in your sovereign authority today and all days. When we forget, gently turn us away from our struggles and back to your safe shelter. Amen.
In late November my husband told me he wanted to give our daughter a father/daughter week this summer at JH Ranch for Christmas. That idea immediately sounded all the alarm buttons inside me, fear, anxiety, worry…
I love JH Ranch, their philosophy, the people and Who and what they represent. Their programs are top notch and life changing, but I am still recovering from almost loosing our son last July in an accident while he was at camp there. How could I agree to this? How could I even entertain the idea? Was he crazy? All these questions were brewing a chaotic storm in my heart and mind.
As quickly as that storm was surging, something else was surfacing. Not something but Someone. God’s truth began gently, quietly and consistently streaming in my head. God does not call us to a life of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7~For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. I was not wanting to hear that in my moment of melting. I wanted to be fearful-very fearful! In this circumstance, fear seemed like a much safer choice. However, I know this about God; he does not leave his children stuck in known places of “safety” He leads us to unknown positions of surrender.
It took me some time to be at peace with the decision to give our daughter that Christmas gift. I did not want to, but I knew I was being called to. Obedience to God’s will is seldom easy. It often grieves us but always grows us. It challenges us, and it chisels us into His image. 2 Timothy 3:16~All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.
When we step into the shadow of death with a loved one, feel its sting and breathe its stale, suffocating air, we are changed. When you almost lose something, you love so much, resisting the urge to fall into the alluring trap of putting ourselves in charge of the safety and protection of those we hold so dear is challenging!
Based on God’s word, though, all indicators tell me He did not spare my son’s life for me to become my children’s savior. He did not spare his life for me to grab on tighter and smother them in a bubble of supposed safety. God did not spare my son’s life for me to turn my children into idols shaped in my image. He spared my son’s life for His purpose, not my power.
Shortly after Christmas, friends and family began asking our children about their gifts. Our daughter was asked, more than once, “what was your favorite gift?” Each time she answered, “camp with my dad at JH Ranch next summer. As people asked the question, I began to experience my body stiffening and my eyes squinting as if something was about to hit me. It was! I was “hit” with looks that if they could talk might say, “are you crazy!” I received comments that resulted in shame. I felt like an irresponsible mother for a short time, and it taxed the depth of peace that encompassed my decision. I had to remember that walking in obedience is a process of frequent renewal to a life guided by Spirit, not self.
Initially, I felt the need to explain the gift to all the puzzled people. My explaining something that is right between God and me, however, is only an attempt to tidy myself up to satisfy my need to meet the approval of people. Explaining can become a form of self-righteousness. I am grateful for the words in the Gospel of Matthew that release me from my need to explain. Matthew 5:37 says, Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. I am only accountable to One. Sometimes what is right between God and me makes no sense to outside parties, but their understanding is not my responsibility. I love the freedom in that!
After all the gift giving, a gift to my daughter that almost unwrapped me proved to be a gift for me, too. It rewrapped me in the freedom; rest and comfort of a sovereign God who I am so grateful pursues me even through Christmas gifts. Never has giving a Christmas gift been so laden with pain and so loaded with purpose. Growth happens in grievous places. That is good news, friends!
My family spent the past week in Dallas visiting family, relaxing, taking in football and basketball games and eating a lot of good food-good Mexican food! Oh, my expanding waistline, but that is a story for another time!
Seven nights in a hotel can be a challenge for a family of four. It is a series of tests in patience, perseverance, sharing, holding your bladder, letting a little modesty go and so much more. We did pretty well, but the week was not without snags.
When our agendas get busy, we get tired, and frustration begins to taint the air. Our self-control is put to the test. Sadly, but not surprisingly, we all failed at times throughout the week. The most common way this presents in our family is we get short, snippy and sometimes sloppy with our words. By the middle of the week, it was apparent that taming our tongues and loving each other well was proving to be a challenge.
After five nights, I woke up and was reading a post from a friend, Jennifer Lee. She wrote about having home church while on vacation. She wrote that her uncle lead church and it was based on 1 Corinthians 13. Everyone read the love passage and everywhere the word love appeared; they inserted their names.
I immediately opened my Bible and took this to task for myself. Wow! Was that an uncomfortable and convicting experience. I decided when the kids woke up; I was going to talk to them about my need to apologize and repent for any instances I had been unkind or lacked gentleness the last few days. Then read them 1 Corinthians 13.
I read it to them inserting my name in all the places for love. It was very hard to do this by myself, and ten times harder to do it in front of my family. I suppose that would be expected because we often tend to be the most negligent with those who love us most. Maybe it is because we are together so much that we are comfortable. Maybe it is because we know they will love us no matter what? Maybe we take each other for granted, or it is just because we are sinners and sometimes our fallen nature gets the best of us. Whatever the reason, our families sadly do not experience our kindest side enough. This in itself was convicting to me, and something to pray about.
This is what I read to my family:
D’Anna is patient; D’Anna is kind. D’Anna does not envy; she does not boast; D’Anna is not proud. She does not dishonor others; D’Anna is not self-seeking, D’Anna is not easily angered, She keeps no record of wrongs. D’Anna does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. D’Anna always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I was now choking, coughing, flushed and a little squeamish as I read. This is a tough task! Lord Jesus, how I need you every hour, every minute of every day.
I am so glad The Lord was faithful to lead me to read Jennifer’s post and subsequently explore those verses for myself. I think I need to use this exercise as a soul check frequently.
When quiet time becomes sparse, it is always to my detriment. I cannot stay grounded and strong in soul integrity when my core has not been marinating in the word of God. Life is too hard, and circumstances fray my edges. A consistent prayer time is essential to strengthen me. The word of God is our best armor. I am weak and vulnerable without it.
Think about it like this- a half cooked egg versus a hard boiled egg. A half cooked egg when cut into, the yoke, (or the center), runs everywhere. A hard boiled egg is much more resilient, and the center stays in tact because it is firm. When my center is not firm in the word of God, I run everywhere with my words, my emotions, my feelings… Alternatively, when I have my necessary and consistent quiet times, my center is much stronger, and I can withstand more pressure without falling apart.
There are seasons that our time with God does suffer. This is why a check-in activity like in 1 Corinthians is beneficial. It is a like a re-set button for our souls. It is not to shame us into being nice and getting it together. It is to remind us why we need a Savior. Thank you, Jesus for saving me!
Joyce Meyer often says that when we get saved we sometimes forget that our mouth is supposed to get saved along with the rest of us. Isn’t that the truth! Taming the tongue is an ongoing challenge for all of us but never should it be abandoned.
Isaiah 55:10-11 says: As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
This is great news. God’s word will not return void. It will accomplish what He desires and achieve the purpose for which it was sent. His word was given to be within us so that it may strengthen us and stream from us. God’s word is not just meant to be read. It is meant to be reaped in our lives. When we have His truths in our hearts, on our minds and in our souls, they begin to shape the way we speak, respond, act, make decisions, relate to others…God’s word is fuel for our empty bodies. It fills us with patience, gentleness, kindness, self-control and other desirable fruits we cannot obtain from our striving.
Sometimes people hurt us, and we convince ourselves that harsh words are justified. Sometimes toxic words just spew out before we even think. This is dangerous! It is hard to take back what has already been said. Truth is always helpful but never when it is delivered through hurtful words.
It often feels good just to let our words loose on someone, but only for a fleeting moment. The momentary satisfaction I feel in ranting does not out weigh the peace I feel in reserving. Life is so much lighter when self-control defeats self-satisfaction.
Self-control, taming the tongue, gentleness, they become hard when life becomes hectic. Our unkept schedules, however, are never an excuse for our unkind sentiments. Our actions and our reactions should be like indicator lights. When they go off, and the light is red, it may be time to start evaluating what we are running off of. If the answer is not adequate spiritual space, and it most likely is not, then it may be time for a service call.
Our words hold so much power. I was asking myself these questions today as I was reflecting on our week:
Do I use my words to inspire or insult?
Do I use my words to commend or criticize?
Are my words someone’s ax or their antidote?
In God’s economy, there is always good news. For you and me, it is that God is never surprised by our actions. He already knows our tendencies and He loves us regardless. That is not an excuse to stay stuck, but motivation to surrender. I love the promise in Isaiah 30:15~In repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength. That is a soothing balm for shamed souls like you and me friends. Will you rest in that wonderful news with me?
Lord Jesus,
Divorcing love from truth is to engage cruelty. Divorcing truth from love is to enable a charade. Your word teaches love and truth are meant to be united, always. This is the only way to speak to the core of truth without wounding the core of a person. When days get busy, to-do lists get long and chaos ensues, Father I have a tendency to not be a good steward of my tongue. When I hold in frustration too long or don’t address matters promptly, the pressure builds just waiting for the prime moment to explode, leaving words of hot, burning ash to fall on someone I love. Never do I want this, Father. Give me the wisdom and patience to hold my tongue until my heart and soul are settled not seething. Jesus, give me the grace to tame my tongue, always using it to build people up, never to break them down. In the moments when I fail, and you already know this of me, I will, prick my heart towards prompt repentance that is the precursor for grace lending rest. Amen.
As the sun sets on another year, I am thinking about the things, the hard things, that I would have never chosen in 2014, but they chose me. They brought much grief but were always accompanied by gratitude.
Our years are made of days, some ordinary and some extraordinary. Those days, the ordinary and the extraordinary, occasionally conquer but also create us. They sometimes shatter us but subsequently sharpen us. We experience triumphs, and we endure tragedies. Some days break us only to build us. Days can be messy but NOT without meaning. Refinement and restoration marry well with an available heart.
The self-reliant use tallies of good and bad days to calculate the success of their year. It is perspective and the pursuit of
meaning amidst days, broken and beautiful, that the surrendered use to measure theirs. May I always evaluate my years from a position of surrender.
2014 has felt like a year of wandering in the Psalms for me. I have been desperate, and I have been dependent. I have lamented and I have praised. The year cultivated both difficult and defining memories. It was pretty, and it was painful.
2014 was a reminder that the goal of life is not happiness, because it is not happiness that brokers comfortable homes; but joy outside of circumstances found in a Savior that breeds content hearts.
I am reflecting on all the fragments of 2014, the brutal and the beautiful, and placing them within the context of Romans 8:28 today.~And we know that God causes everything to work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
I see much purpose born from the pain of some of the challenges of 2014. I can find meaning in much of the messiness, but there are other situations, however, I am still waiting. I am aware as Deuteronomy 29:29 tells me, I may never understand. Some things are only to be know by The Lord.
There are circumstances that are unthinkable, unfair and how could God be working right from something so wrong? I am reminded that it is here that I must exercise extravagant faith, not in circumstances I see but in a creator I trust.
It is here, in the stuck places, I have to put away all the “whys” and rest in Who. I do not say this lightly because this is a difficult assignment, but God does not call us to simple, rather to surrender.
We can view life through cynical-glasses or Savior-glasses. It is a choice-a very crucial one. 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011… They all had obstacles that shook and shaped me; not to my final destination but towards my desired direction.
It has been those dreaded moments, the broken ones, that have rendered the sweetest fruit. So while some are saying so long 2014, I cannot wait to forget you; I am saying I hope I always remember you.
There is so much meaning born within the parameters of messy. Jesus, our Savior, was born in the most unclean of environments. Isn’t it beautiful how the sloppiest of circumstances can become sacred. (Luke 2) Isn’t it sweet how pain can usher so much purpose. Jesus was crucified and suffered a painful death with a purpose to secure the salvation of a sinner like me. (Isaiah 53:11)
Thank you 2014 for all the ways you have pruned and protected me. Thank you for all the sorrow that stretched me. Growth really is most fertile when planted in the soil of grief. Thank you for the tears of pain and the tears of joy. Thank you for the portraits of beauty and the scribbles of brokenness. Mostly 2014, thank you for forging me deeper into relationship with my Savior.
Welcome 2015. I know your landscape will be one indigenous of peaks and valleys. I also know it is my triumphs over your tribulations that are for my growth and God’s glory. What a blessing to enter a new year given the grace to understand that.
Happy New Year to all. May you be rich enough to embrace prosperity and rattled enough to experience your Savior.
I have been reading James the last few mornings, and pondering the power of the tongue. It is the strongest muscle we possess, capable of delivering life or death in a matter of moments.
My prayer today:
Father, divorcing love from truth is to engage cruelty. Divorcing truth from love is to enable a charade. Your word teaches love and truth are meant to be united, always. This is the only way to speak to the core of truth without wounding the core of a person. When days get busy, to-do lists get long and chaos ensues, Father I have a tendency to not be a good steward of my tongue. When I hold in frustration too long or don’t address matters promptly, the pressure builds just waiting for the prime moment to explode, leaving words of hot, burning ash to fall on someone I love. Never do I want this, Father. Give me the wisdom and patience to hold my tongue until my heart and soul are settled not seething. Jesus, give me the grace to tame my tongue, always using it to build people up, never to break them down. Then in the moments when I fail, and you already know this of me, I will, prick my heart towards prompt repentance that is the precursor for grace lending rest. Amen.