We are having a good number of windows replaced around our house the next few days. As I am sitting here watching these guys rip away the old; it occurred to me I am watching a picture of life.
These windows needed caulked and painted a long time ago, and because they were not, that lapse of care allowed for environmental elements to compromise not only the windows, but their surrounding support structures, too. The more they take out; the more decomposition years of neglect exposes.
Disregard transitions the process of restoration from superficial to deep rooted.
I am a lot like those windows. Whether it be my health, my relationships, nourishment of my soul…neglect creates a threshold for degeneration in all those realms. Once rot sets in, over time it runs deeper and deeper through those areas, just like my windows.I can unknowingly arrive at a place of deep disintegration simply from a failure to consistently maintain.
The demands of life can keep me distracted and busy. It becomes easy to disregard soul maintenance above all things. When I become negligent in my time spent with The Lord, unwanted impostures take root in my heart. You may know some of them? Anxiety, worry, and fear are a few of the familiar ones.
My mind and heart require daily nourishment and cleansing to protected me from destructive paths. Proverbs 4:23 illustrates this so beautifully ~Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Part of guarding my heart requires consistent, fruitful nourishment. It is not an efficient process, but it is highly effective.
When I neglect my spiritual well being, days become exhausting. Life is already difficult. It is essential to be intentional so that I may weather storms without the threat of deep-rooted destruction.
I picked up my Bible this morning feeling weary. World events, daily challenges, people I love that are hurting; it all takes a toll. I asked God before opening his word, to let my eyes fall on what I needed to see this morning. Also, that He would equip me with the grace to not just see, but to understand and subsequently live.
With one providentially designed flip of my Bible, my eyes landed on 2 Corinthians 4:10~ Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Wow, I love that! It is in no other place than our suffering that the glory, power, faithfulness and love of Jesus can be illuminated so profoundly and with such clarity. This may sound counterintuitive to you, but I find honor in the fact that we have the opportunity through or tribulations to reflect the image of Jesus to others.
His reflection does not mean pasting on a fake smile every day, and saying God is in control. It does not mean we say to our friends, “I’m doing fine;” when that is not the case. Sometimes it means remembering life is hard, and I am human, but I have hope in a Savior who shares in my struggles. He collects every tear and gently stores them in a bottle. He sees scars inside us that only are visible to Him, and soothes them with a balm that He singularly possesses.
Living as I say I believe means remembering that although God may appear quiet at times, I trust His understanding, not mine. God answers every prayer the moment we voice them with one of three answers; yes, no or wait. Remembering that and being open to His wisdom, and not bound to my expectations is an ingredient to peace.
Life may lead us down many dirt roads, but with Jesus we never travel those dusty roads alone. It is on those very paths He reveals Himself to us, and our faith and trust in Him become stronger and real.
Oh, how He loves us! His love is too deep for us to know easy all the time. That would only give us a strong foothold in self-sufficiency.
He loves us enough that He wants us to seek and know him in an intimate relationship. I would never arrive there if everything were always easy. I don’t enjoy trials. When my mind is redirected to their primary purpose, though; how can I not be grateful?
This life is not eternal. It is just our prelude to Heaven. It is our warm up, our training camp, our one and only run through before we enter Heaven’s gates. If we are lucky; at some point in this life we authentically mature to a degree where our soul’s deepest desire is nothing this life can afford us. Our deepest longing becomes to know a Savior with such a thirst that our hearts song is; come Lord Jesus come so that I may see your face. My journey is teaching me that we arrive at this destination through the experential character of a loving Father whose faithfulness and glory shine brightest through our darkest days.
And the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush. He looked, and behold, the bush was burning, yet it was not consumed.~Exodus 3:2
This is a beautiful illustration of the hope we all have in this life. When situations are searing our hearts, they do not have to saturate our souls. When circumstances are tough and trials are heavy; we may feel shaken, but we do not have to be shattered. Because the bush was burning, but not consumed, we can face the fires of our days with inextinguishable confidence and experience the beauty and affliction of the fire without forever being burned. #preachingtoself
If you are waiting for something today; a job, test results, a cure, relief from circumstances… There is an abiding gift available to all those who are anxiously scanning the horizon with expectation. Turn your waiting into a welcome to saturate deeper into the affection of a Savior, who longs to give rest to the weary. He is not ashamed by your frustrated impatience. It is the very thing that draws Him to you. Don’t wait alone. I wait for the LORD; my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. ~Psalm 130:5
Carter had his first of three appointments with the vision doctor yesterday. We were there two hours; it felt like five. It was a long afternoon, and very taxing for him physically, and ultimately emotionally.
I think it is difficult in any situation to not form expectations in our heads. This holds true in happy scenarios and difficult ones. Our pictures, which are very often our own worst enemies, can be thieves of peace when they develop differently than how they looked from behind the lens of our vision.
I went into yesterday’s appointment knowing there were visual issues; I just didn’t realize the extent and multitude of them. It honestly felt like the air had been sucked out of my sails, as I was not prepared.
I know many of you moms know this and live this every day, when you hear a doctor tell your child something like, “I know you don’t much joy in your life right now, and it may be that way for a while,” that is heart breaking! Even harder, I am forty-two. I can reason and find gratitude amidst the grief. For a fifteen year old boy, that is an arduous task, further clouded by the effects of a head injury.
Sometime after we got home from Oregon, I found a white, small bag in my laundry room. I didn’t know what it was or where it came from. We had very little luggage, and I never saw it in Carter’s hospital room or in any of our bags. I have no idea how it got in my laundry room. When I opened it up, it smelled awful, and I immediately knew it was something that had been wet, and in that bag for a long time. Upon pulling it out, I felt my heart rise to the top of my throat, and sink with a hard painful plunge into the depths of my stomach.
It was the swimsuit Carter was wearing when his accident happened. It was shredded and frayed because it had been cut off his body. I cannot adequately describe the intense infusion of opposite emotions at that moment as I sunk to the cold, hard ground. It was like being pulled between intimidating agony and intense appreciation. I cried and then I rejoiced right there on the uninviting but accommodating laundry room floor.
My first thought was to throw that swimsuit away, but for a reason I then did not understand, I could not do it. I washed it, folded it and put it on my laundry room shelf. It is in a spot that I see it every time I go in that room, which is frequent. Now and then I pick it up and hold it close to me. Each time I do this, the frayed, rough edges that are image bearers of the sharp edges that grazed them catch my eye. I keep being drawn to their messy appearance that is a remnant of the trauma that ensued.
It occurred to me one day that those edges keep beckoning my attention because they represent something important. That battered swimsuit is a great representation of both tragedy and triumph. It makes me think of what Jesus’ robe must have looked like at the end of his journey which would also illustrate great despair, but not void of eternal hope.
Life is kind of like Carter’s fragmented swimsuit. Sometimes things cut us up, unravel our plans and leave us feeling weary and worn, but when we live in the shadows of a Savior, we are never without hope, and we are ensured an ultimate victory. That is great news that we continue to rest in daily!
We continue to covet your prayers for healing friends. I am grateful and encouraged by all of you. Thank you from the deepest places of my heart.
Vulnerability, for me is one of the keys to living free. It is the willingness to say, I am broken and weak that opens a reservoir of strength we can only gain in our inadequacy.If we need not, we seek not. It is only in seeking we find.
I’m muddling through my days right now friends. Intense, sudden trauma can wreck havoc on your body and mind weeks and months after the jolting of its turbulence has passed. It certainly has mine. I’m relieved but restless. I thankful but tired. I mingle with grief and walk with gratitude. If you have never occupied such a space, you may not understand, but it is a cumbersome place to fall. I find myself wondering when I will feel adequate again? When will I not feel like I’m letting everyone and everything in my home, and around me down?
Then I’m reminded, that is an arrogant, self sufficient line of interrogation. There will never be a time I will not be neglecting someone or something. In those moments when I forget, I am consumed by frustration. Rest, peace and growth become good desires I am chasing in vain.
I have been feeling very insufficient since Carter’s accident. I am very forgetful. My memory has abandoned me. I do hope it’s on a beach somewhere planning a return soon. If not, I hope it comes back to get the rest of me-:). I’m going to need to shop soon for new clothes, sheets, towels, etc…if the laundry continues to not do itself. My pantry and refrigerator scare me. Every time I open them, they rebuke me. Really, it goes something like this, “we need eggs, ice cream, milk, bread, and just when exactly do you plan on getting to the store?”
With Carter in school such short days, and so many appointments, I am finding it hard to manage my time and responsibilities. When I get a few moments, the to do list is longer than my ability to perform, and sturdier than my stamina. The last few days I have been feeling particularly inferior to my sub par performance- Until yesterday morning.
During a Bible study, Unhitching from the Crazy Train, Julie Sparkman of @Restore Ministries, said this, “we are inadequate and unashamed- that equals the Gospel. That gem of truth was a life giving reminder on a flesh flourishing day for me. It was like a refreshing drink of water on a scorching August afternoon. I knew, but I had forgotten. I had forgotten, and thus forsaken the Gospel.
Jesus died for my inadequacies, and yours. Being ashamed of them is being dishonorable to Him. He willingly gave his life to give me life. He suffered a cruel, undeserved death to complete me in all the areas I am incomplete. Because He is whole, I am free to be broken. Because he is perfect, I am free to be imperfect. That is good news for a ragamuffin like me.There is no need to twinge in light of my truth. There is no need to cower to condemnation. I am righteous because Jesus is risen.
Life has its way of coaxing us into forgetting, but the Gospel has its way of coaching us into remembering.
C. S. Lewis said, “people need reminding a lot more than they need instructing.” Those words are bearers of solid truth. I know, and I forget. I am reminded, and I am set free.
Our years are a series of stages and phases. I am grateful for the ones in which my insufficiency is illuminated so my mind and spirit can once again yield to the exclusion of the One who secures for me all that I cannot attain on my own. I need the Gospel in my hands everyday, so that my heart may remember everyday. I am continually drawn to an awareness that growth is most fertile when planted in the soil of grief. Staying cognizant of that is a bridge to hope and gratitude.
I hope in all the areas you feel inadequate today, and everyday you can find some freedom from this, as I did.
We just got home from a day of doctor appointments that started at 8:30 AM. I am not going to tell you I’m not tired. I’m not going to tell you I’m not a little weary or sad. I am all those things. I don’t have it all together, but I know I don’t have to. I have a Savior who has completed me in all the spaces I am weak, and they are many…I am weak but He is strong… I don’t need to know anything beyond the next right thing to do in this moment because after today, everything feels a little overwhelming to stare at too long. Looking anywhere beyond the present only offers me an unsettled mind and unbelieving heart.
When things are hard, when our expectations are threatened or overturned, it is easy to turn our life over to the wrong trinity-fear, anxiety and worry. I have been under that authority before, but I will not go there again. Being intentional about facing challenges, but not focusing on them will be essential for all of us during Carter’s recovery.
I am, however, mourning a few things today, but I am standing under God’s grace, and mourning is ok for a time. Psalm 30:5~ weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. It is hard as a mom to sit and watch your child’s face when he is hearing some of the things he heard today. It is hard to watch him absorb the reality of likely loosing activities he loves, and that bring him joy. I know there are many parents who are, or have experienced this feeling, and much worse. My heart goes out to you!
Because of Carter’s head injury, he does not understand a lot of this process, and his insight into his deficits is limited. At my age, I can reason and realize that life is pinned on so much more than starting school as a “normal” kid with a normal schedule. I can understand that when God redirects my plans or takes away something that brings me great joy, he has a better path in mind. Carter cannot at this point, and as I watched his face today, my heart broke. There is so much to be grateful for, but there is also a lot that he will have to adapt to.
Physically he is doing great, but there are implications from the head trauma he sustained internally that are going to present challenges ahead, and possibly limit activities that bring him great pleasure. I need to mourn this for a short time, and help him to as well, but then I hope to help him redirect his hope and focus to not what is lost, but what is to be gained.
I have heard it said that we should not only ask what would Jesus do, but equally as important, WHAT IS JESUS DOING? This question affords me such hopeful anticipation because I know He is good and He is steadfast. Lamentations 3:22-23 ~Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
In God’s economy, doors do not close accidentally. I do not believe any of this came from God, but it did come through him. That gives me great hope that he has plans our insufficient minds cannot perceive for Carter. There is such relief and hope in that perspective. ~For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.!Isaiah 43:19
There are so many positives that came out of today. Carter continues to improve. His headaches are better. His balance is good, and his vision has improved significantly. He can walk, talk, smile, laugh, see and hear normally-praise The Lord. We met with Dr Joe Ackerson today who provided balm for this messy mom’s soul. He did some cognitive testing with Carter today, but will need to do much more in two weeks. Today he is writing a plan for school that he will have to us by the days end. This will detail what his school days will look like for now. They will be limited and Carter will have a lot of modifications and restrictions. Dr. Ackerson was wonderful with Carter, and he was wonderful with us as parents. He assured us confidently that he is here to walk this road with us and be Carter’s advocate.
Carter will be assigned a case worker from Children’s who will also help us work with the school to ensure he is getting everything he needs. Trevor and I stopped at the high school between appointments today, and we have a meeting tomorrow with a team who will be working with us on all school related logistics. We were very grateful that a meeting was arranged by the school so quickly. Since school starts Monday, having a plan initiated is a great relief for us and Carter.
When things look dark, there is always light to be found. I am going to be having Carter around a lot more for now. In looking at the positive of that, I am so thankful! I enjoy his company. He is funny and we laugh a lot. I feel so blessed that he will be keeping me company for awhile.
Today we also saw the neurosurgeon, and he has set Carter up in the traumatic brain injury clinic at Children’s Hospital. Dr Davis will manage his care there, and he and Dr. Ackerson will collaborate together. He too, will be joining with us as we navigate this current state of “normal.” The presence of these two advocates feels like such an immense weight lifted off my heart. Carter will continue PT twice a week for his shoulder as well. He is not using that arm very well, and still has a good bit of pain. It will eventually recover fully, but it is going to take some time.
There is no way to determine the recovery of the loss of cognitive function, but we stand firmly confident that Carter will be restored to his pre-accident status. Regardless, our hope does not hinge on the degree of his recovery, but on the sovereignty of The Author of his life. God is in the midst of writing this story, and has been since the moment Carter sat on that bike. We stand fully confident in His plans, and less in His provisions, because we have experienced and know His character. Thank you all from the deepest places of my heart for the continued outpouring of prayer, love and support.
I know a lot of you are facing some very difficult circumstances. Trails and hardships that threaten your desire to wake up, to get dressed, to smile, and carry on. I can confidently say I am familiar with that place. A few years ago, I went through a trial that positioned me in such despair that I gained a new identity-victim. Life alternates between numbness, crying, anger and fear there. I was drowning in a set of circumstances with no life preserver.
Why? I had plenty of friends for support. I went to a good church, and had all my life. I had a supportive family. I had every provision I needed. I had…I had…I had so much, yet none of it was enough to save me from my own despair. It was there, broken and helpless, that God found me.
It’s a perplexing thing to understand. I had been in church all my life. He hadn’t found me, or I him before? No! I had found a religion, not a relationship. I had found a lot of laws, not a lot of grace. I had found a lot of truth and not a lot of freedom. I had found a book called the Bible, but not the gospel. I had heard but I didn’t really hear. I saw, but didn’t really see, and I knew, but didn’t really know, didn’t really know-HIM.
It was not until I entered the darkest place that I began to find the light. For when things are always bright we cannot see, and when we cannot see we will eventually stumble. I say all this to encourage you that when life feels overwhelming, unbearable and hopeless, we can choose hope and peace, because it is in the darkness that we see the light, and it is only by the light that we find our way.
Rescue comes in the Relationship, and I did very little on my own to initiate that. All I did was start showing up, and some days it was a battle to do that! I can tell you, though, once you have been dragged through a dense forest, once you have been redeemed from victim to victor, subsequent trails, which are no doubt inevitable, become such a different experience! If for no other reason they draw us into compete lack of self-sufficiency, and into complete dependance upon a Savior. The more you need someone, the more you get to know them. Then a curious thing happens, the more you get to know Jesus, the more you want to spend time with him, and it only gets sweeter from there.
I’m not going to lie, some circumstances are outright unthinkable, but you can choose to find one positive thing in the midst of them, and that is an invitation…come broken, come messy, come weary, come over burdened-just come! I will personally testify-HE will meet you there. Trust me, I am there a lot, and I do know!
I’m going to be honest for the sake of being transparent and authentic, because I have learned that it is in admitting my struggles that I find freedom, and maybe loan a little out, too. Holidays are difficult for me. Whether it’s Christmas, birthdays, 4th of July…I have to fight some degree of sadness, and sometimes my fight is weak.
I grew up in a big family, and everyone lived within a reasonable distance. Holidays were very grand at our house and my grandmother’s houses. My mom and grandmothers were all great cooks, and definitely fed many small armies over the years. As much as the food, I remember the fellowship, the laughter, the sporting events on TV, big firework displays, football games in the yard, all the men falling asleep on the couches-:)… I remember so many people, the constant roar of conversation, laughter and the euphoria of kids everywhere-a lot of kids!
Every holiday was as old as it was new, foreign as it was familiar, and worn as it was refreshing. They were truly wonderful times that have branded priceless memories deep into my heart.
As another holiday approaches Friday, I have felt that restlessness settling into my soul. I have to be intentional to remember the happiness of what was, while forging gratitude in what is. What is, is still beautiful, it’s just different. If you have the luxury of having most of your family healthy and close by, don’t take it for granted. You are truly blessed. I am blessed too, my blessings just look different than yours.
A couple of weeks ago I was flying back from Texas, (where all of my family is), to Birmingham. As I was standing in line with my children waiting to board the plane, a dialogue was going on in my head. Was I flying back home or leaving home. I was conflicted in my answer. I later realized that the answer didn’t really matter, because home is wherever the people we love are, and that can be many places. Also, in his grace, The Father reminded me that all these homes are just temporary resting places along the journey to my forever home-a place where it will be one big, ongoing reunion with all those I love in attendance.
Jesus promises that “in my Father’s house there are many rooms.” I’m so grateful, because we will need them! As for this holiday, it may be quite, it may be small, but sometimes it’s the the quite and the small that create the most sparkle! More so, though, it is about focusing on cherishing my blessings and committing to choose joy in all situations, whether they be extraordinary or ordinary. So much beauty in life really is found in the ordinary.
Every morning is a new start, and we wake up to the reality of a simple choice. A choice to choose one of two things that will chart the course of our day-fear or faith. Because we live in a fallen world this is an ongoing choice that has to be renewed daily, sometimes hourly, and even minute by minute. It really is the most daunting, small choice we make each morning.
Frankly, fear is the easier choice. It requires no fight, no hope and when we are tired, weak and weary it accepts us with open arms asking nothing of us. No effort, no commitment, no nothing! It can seemingly be a non-threatning friend whose presence can actually become more secure and comfortable if we abide there too long.
Faith is the harder choice because it requires us to fight: fight to believe when we are tired; fight to trust we we are skeptical; fight to understand when life is unfair, difficult and cruel.
Fear is unpredictable and has many faces. It can grip us to the point of disability. It can make our bodies shake, our hearts race and risk the stability of our physical, emotional and spiritual well being. It can be the quiet whisper or the loud scream of cynicism that burdens us with our unbelief.
Faith, is the more stable choice because it requires of us only one thing-belief. The belief in what is promised will never fail. Fear will fool us, sicken us and make us crazy, and even sometimes comfort us, but it will always fail us. Faith only requires one thing, but it gives much: protection, hope, security, and an assurance of a beautiful, pain free, inheritance that is promised us if we just believe (just to mention a few)! Fight friends!
I picked up my Bible this morning feeling weary. World events, daily challenges, people I love that are hurting; it all takes a toll. I asked God before opening his word, to let my eyes fall on what I needed to see this morning. Also, that He would equip me with the grace to not just see, but to understand and subsequently live.
