Grace and Grief

Disrupted dreams. How often does life turn out different than our embellished expectations? It is a steep road to navigate when we are holding the shattered pieces of our “pretty” pictures in the palms of our bleeding hands. Life is unfair and not partial to my dreams. I have been struggling lately with the temptation to shut down. Close the door. Close it tight on the hope that offers me the glorious burden of present realization versus rejection.

There is only one hope that stands eternal, and that is not the one that resides in this world built around unsafe scenarios. It is a future hope, secured by the gift of everlasting life obtained by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. But, here, now, I battle to not close myself off to my desires while striking a balance of preventing rainbows from becoming requirements. It is an unpredictable place to be where peace becomes precarious.

The challenge is leaning into life with open hands softly cupped around pliant pages of immaculate intentions.

It. Is. Hard. I am stubborn, born of flesh that efficiently demands fruition. My hands are sticky. Like the freshly spun strands of spider silk, arrangements cling to me, and I wrestle to break free. But when I am standing amidst the shards of well-crafted storylines, reality reminds me that it is a harsh and unforgiving rival. And so I come to a crossroads where I peer at the scandalous hand of hope or the hostile hike of desensitizing from a world that supplies both grace and grief.

Father, you know me and all my intricacies. Remind me that you knitted me together, every fiber when the shame of a not-all-together life creeps in. Help me to open my hands and my heart so that my mind is mailable to your purposes, not my pursuits. There is nothing in me that is strong, good or steadfast except You. When I remember that truth, I no longer answer to the copious condemnation that shadows me. I had not envisioned life or an impending empty nest without the presence of my mom. I am moment by moment dependant on you to whisper that you are with me and there will be mana for every step but only available for the moment in which I stand. The future lends anxiety. Please help me to be an occupant of the present. Remnants of regret litter the past. Flood my heart and mind with the memories of precious times. This day, this moment is where You meet me, and although there is future grace, I was never permitted to stray there. Enable me to stand in the two faces of hope; free to smile, free to laugh, live and love not because I deserve it, but because You secured it.

To hide is not to honor You. To thrive is a testimony to You. May I remember that all the days of my life.

Sincerely, a daughter who desperately needs and loves You.

Within this shadow box is a special and tangible reminder of my beautiful mom. I will treasure it forever. 

Feeling The Rain

When the skies are weeping, some people’s shoes get wet while other’s souls get watered. Friend, I pray today you experience the latter. Life is about intentionally choosing a grateful perspective. I do not always do this well, but this week sheer grace has allowed me to sit with the rain and enjoy its company. Water has been used to depict both the storms of life and the sustainer of life. If you are standing in a literal or a figurative storm today, may your fretting about the rain turn to feeling the rain even if for a moment. We find freedom when we face that which we want to flee. Rain may be an agitation, but it is just as much about rejuvenation when we allow ourselves to frame it that way.  You are loved!❤️

Our Scars Are Beautiful Stories

I have a scar on the left side of my chest where there once was a central line that nourished me when I was too sick to eat. I have a scar in my upper right rib area that reminds me of a chest tube that once supported my collapsed lung from a procedure gone wrong. Both blemishes were the product of one pregnancy. I see those two scars every day, and for many years they were unattractive to me. Over the years, I have learned that grief has been replaced with gratitude when I notice my marks. Those blemishes are symbolic of life. My scars are the testimony of a broken story with a beautiful ending. If it were not for them, I would not have my daughter.
I was reminiscing through the memories of my scar journey this morning, and I saw a vivid image of Jesus on the cross. There he was in my picture, nailed by evil and dawning contusions that the world would deem unattractive; then this thought crossed my mind, Jesus’ scars also represent life. I am confident that He embraces His, too, because if it were not for them, He also would not have His daughter.

He Chose Life For Us

7112e3e711238044def57b2f7aeefc8bThis is heavy on my heart this morning and I believe God calls us to be courageous about our convictions.  I know I have friends who will disagree.  I am not asking for a debate or argument.  I am not endorsing a party, but a person—Jesus Christ.  I do respect your right to have your own opinion.  That being said, I have been very bothered by a statement I heard in the VP debate the other night.  Having the right to choose to terminate the life of a baby is no different than having the right to choose to take the life of a person walking down the street.  As a country do we believe ALL lives matter or just the convenient ones? We are all orphans adopted by a merciful and loving Father.  I am so thankful He chose life for me!  Jeremiah 1:5 ~“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.”

The Gospel, A Matter of Life

One of my biggest challenges is not residing in my identity as an adored daughter, but resting in my reality as an accepted sinner.  The deeper my intimacy with Jesus grows, so do the clarity of my flaws.

The depravity of my heart is why the good news of the gospel is a matter of life. Yesterday our pastor quoted one of my favorite Tim Keller quotes.

” The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”

So often I forget what I know and find that I am not living out of the freedom of the gospel, but out of the fear of failing an idol (self) that says I matter more than God?  Where I am seeking approval from is a crucial question I have to ask myself daily.  

Where are you living from today, friends; under the exemption of Christ’s yoke or the enslavement of your own? On this day of celebrating labor, I pray we may all embrace liberty.  Matthew 11:28-29 ~ Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

You are loved today just as you are.

Keep The Train On The Tracks

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Keep the train on the tracks! Yesterday I was having a conversation with a wise, friend. I was seeking advice about an endeavor The Lord has blessed me with this fall. My friend said to me, “if you hear nothing else, hear me say this; you have to keep the train on the tracks.” Now, he was talking about staying on task, but those words have been ringing in my mind since yesterday afternoon. I went to bed hearing them, and I woke up hearing them. It is like a soft, resolute chorus that is on a continuous loop. Here is why friends; this is such a fundamental truth of life. In every part of my life, if I don’t “keep the train on the tracks” I am going to derail. My thoughts are a primary example because they can be like an out of control train headed for collision if I do not correct them quickly. My feelings work the same way. Thoughts are the ancestors of feelings, and I am susceptible to allowing the things I think to get me off track. When I do, it is a sure bet that my feelings are raging closely behind. Being a good mind manager is one of the hardest disciplines because it requires intention and diligence, but it is imperative to my stability. Relationships are also another area that this concept is so important. It is easy for me to let things go until they build up and all of a sudden a molehill has become a mountain. If I am caring for my relationships as I should be, the train should not get too far to the left or the right of the tracks before alarms sound that I need to make some corrections. Otherwise, derailment is inevitable. I could go on with examples because this principal is all encompassing, ranging from my nutrition to my quiet time. My prayer for me and you, friend, is that we remember to keep the train on the tracks whether it be our relationship, words, health or any number of life’s challenges. I am so quick to live my day from the poverty of my flesh instead of the power of my Father. Lord Jesus help us to remember today and every day that when we keep life between the lines of your word, the train will not derail without our permission.

Now it Springs Up

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These tulips were not there two days ago.  As I pulled into my driveway this morning, they were the first thing I noticed.  I was quick to see it is symbolic of why God is doing in my life; new growth, new things, and that only He is capable of taking situations that appear barren and hopeless, and quickly make them new.  Find hope in empty places, friends.  He is able!  Isaiah 43:18-19 sprung into my mind as I saw this new evidence of life this morning. ~ Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up.  Do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.  So many things in our world look hopeless, but only if we depend on people or things of this world to revive them.

The Sweetest Fruit is Found In The Scariest Places

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When I was a child, we had a ditch that ran alongside and behind our property. It was a ditch, but from the perspective of my childhood imagination, it was a rocky, dangerous ravine. The ditch, formidable as it was or was not, did have some steep, slippery spots. I would often fall and slide into the murky, water that sometimes housed water moccasins. Snakes terrified me, so I was hesitant to be too adventurous.

In the summertime, berries would grow on vines along that ditch. I distinctly remember that the biggest, most shiny and sweetest berries were in the most challenging spots to maneuver. I was a fearful child, so I didn’t venture to those places often, but when I did; oh to taste such sweet fruit! It could not compare to the berries growing in the flatter, less intimidating topography. Although I can remember being frightened to pursue those berries, I knew the reward that was waiting for me, so I would muster the courage from time to time. I can still hear how loud my heart would beat. I can feel how fast it would race as if it would break out of my chest. My breathing would be rapidly, and I would be sweating, but I would risk it all because I had experienced, and come to know the superior taste of the sweeter berries.

Life is a lot like the scary parts of that ditch, and the fruit experienced at its most precarious locations. We sometimes find ourselves in places where we risk falling, getting scraped and cut, and often that does happen. Life has a way of cutting us up, but God has a way of carving us from our slips and falls.

As I look back now, the sweetest and most nourishing fruit has been acquired in the most treacherous places. Sure, life is good when I am living on level land, but oh to taste the fruit of growth that only happens when we are in the ravenous ravines. It is here where we gain the sweetest rewards. Unlike capturing the berries, we may not immediately taste the sweetness of life’s valleys.

As I came to know the nature of those dangerous berries by taste, though, so I have come to know the character of God also through experience. If we are looking for God not just in the safe places but in the scary ones, too; if we know His faithfulness, we have confidence what joy awaits us. Experiencing God is what gives us the endurance and the strength to persevere through all the ditches we fall into throughout life. Also, knowing Him gives us the courage to get up and keep pursuing life, not from a position of safety but surrender. God enables us to walk victoriously through life’s intimidating places. Psalm 18:33 promises us this: He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights.

The fruit found in our most perilous places yields the greatest growth and the sweetest victories. If you are walking a rocky road right now, be encouraged. Dirt roads are paved with fertile soil.

 

Embracing Transparency

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Embracing transparency frees us from a life of isolation, and the exhaustion of trying to appear like we have it all together. Transparency is contagious and liberating because it gives others permission to be “normal.” We need to walk this beautifully, broken life with each other well. I cannot do that if am not willing to give up my need to manage what people think of me, and to have an appearance of an “altogether” life. We are all only accountable to One. He accepts us just as we are-broken.

The Wait Marches On

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Just as the birth of new life is a process, so are growing into an adolescent, adult and so on. Everything is a process. A process of success, a process of failure, a process of destruction and a process of restoration. Then you get to the end of years, seasons and cycles, and you sit at deaths door with someone you love as you watch the curtain drawing on the last act of their rehearsal for eternal life. You ache in the finality of what is and you abide in the memory of what was. As you sit and wait, you pray for swift mercy. You don’t want to keep staring at the mask of eminent death settled on the face of a loved one. Questioning sets in, and then you remember, just as you didn’t know how the process would begin, you also cannot know how and when it will end. The moment we took our first breath, and the moment we draw our last were determined in advance. They were written by eternal hands that no human mind could know. Although a delayed ending of the final process feels unjust, you remember we have earthly eyes, ears and minds. We cannot see, hear or know. Trying to figure it out, or ask when is stepping out of our realm and into God’s. Sometimes His timing seems unjust but faith continues to whisper, it is always right! Then, the wait marches on.
Please pray for Nana to be with Jesus soon. Everything indigenous to her is gone, but her heart is still beating strong. Your will not ours Lord.