Vulnerability, for me is one of the keys to living free. It is the willingness to say, I am broken and weak that opens a reservoir of strength we can only gain in our inadequacy.If we need not, we seek not. It is only in seeking we find.

I’m muddling through my days right now friends. Intense, sudden trauma can wreck havoc on your body and mind weeks and months after the jolting of its turbulence has passed. It certainly has mine. I’m relieved but restless. I thankful but tired. I mingle with grief and walk with gratitude. If you have never occupied such a space, you may not understand, but it is a cumbersome place to fall. I find myself wondering when I will feel adequate again? When will I not feel like I’m letting everyone and everything in my home, and around me down?

Then I’m reminded, that is an arrogant, self sufficient line of interrogation. There will never be a time I will not be neglecting someone or something. In those moments when I forget, I am consumed by frustration. Rest, peace and growth become good desires I am chasing in vain.

I have been feeling very insufficient since Carter’s accident. I am very forgetful. My memory has abandoned me. I do hope it’s on a beach somewhere planning a return soon. If not, I hope it comes back to get the rest of me-:). I’m going to need to shop soon for new clothes, sheets, towels, etc…if the laundry continues to not do itself. My pantry and refrigerator scare me. Every time I open them, they rebuke me. Really, it goes something like this, “we need eggs, ice cream, milk, bread, and just when exactly do you plan on getting to the store?”

With Carter in school such short days, and so many appointments, I am finding it hard to manage my time and responsibilities. When I get a few moments, the to do list is longer than my ability to perform, and sturdier than my stamina. The last few days I have been feeling particularly inferior to my sub par performance- Until yesterday morning.

During a Bible study, Unhitching from the Crazy Train, Julie Sparkman of @Restore Ministries, said this, “we are inadequate and unashamed- that equals the Gospel. That gem of truth was a life giving reminder on a flesh flourishing day for me. It was like a refreshing drink of water on a scorching August afternoon. I knew, but I had forgotten. I had forgotten, and thus forsaken the Gospel.

Jesus died for my inadequacies, and yours. Being ashamed of them is being dishonorable to Him. He willingly gave his life to give me life. He suffered a cruel, undeserved death to complete me in all the areas I am incomplete. Because He is whole, I am free to be broken. Because he is perfect, I am free to be imperfect. That is good news for a ragamuffin like me.There is no need to twinge in light of my truth. There is no need to cower to condemnation. I am righteous because Jesus is risen.

Life has its way of coaxing us into forgetting, but the Gospel has its way of coaching us into remembering.

C. S. Lewis said, “people need reminding a lot more than they need instructing.” Those words are bearers of solid truth. I know, and I forget. I am reminded, and I am set free.

Our years are a series of stages and phases. I am grateful for the ones in which my insufficiency is illuminated so my mind and spirit can once again yield to the exclusion of the One who secures for me all that I cannot attain on my own. I need the Gospel in my hands everyday, so that my heart may remember everyday. I am continually drawn to an awareness that growth is most fertile when planted in the soil of grief. Staying cognizant of that is a bridge to hope and gratitude.

I hope in all the areas you feel inadequate today, and everyday you can find some freedom from this, as I did.